I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
You Might Also Like
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
A collection of me turning into random objects.
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.