I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
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pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
And now we wait
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer