I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
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*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
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The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review