wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
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DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
what do you want!!!!!!!!
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift