*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
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New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.