When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
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I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
so weird how every mom was born today
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.