Lol.
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*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?