kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
You Might Also Like
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
the prophecy has been fulfilled
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
¯_(ツ)_/¯
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.