*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
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Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.