Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
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i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day