Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
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If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
Pizza is an emotion right?
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]