How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
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Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
Give a baker flours on your first date.
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
And they lived apathetically ever after.
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.