Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
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I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
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“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.