Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
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If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
The three genders
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!