I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
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DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
Somewhere in an alternate universe
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.