Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
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Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!