me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
You Might Also Like
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
“Sheer Arrogance”
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.