If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
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*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*