Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
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Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.