doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
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REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
They’re really bad with fonts.
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.