Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
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When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
Fluff me with a fork baby
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV