Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
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Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
I can’t stop laughing at this