CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
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Oh yeh? Explain this then
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
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The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.