*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
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My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger