Realize this:
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The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
Born to be mild.