need him
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Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
Well, that should do it
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
People buying plungers never look happy.
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula