wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
You Might Also Like
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
Me irl
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”