May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
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went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.