I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
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If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?