Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
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After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*