Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
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Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
Overindulged this afternoon.
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
We like the way Dwight thinks
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!