If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
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Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
welcome back
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.