her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
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Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
If you know, you know
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.