Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
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That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea