Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
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Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
He-man has a Masters degree