I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
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Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
This fish is cracking me up
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
Mhm.