(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
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E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”