[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
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I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
This is why I hate group projects
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?