Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
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4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one