Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
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Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
Never let them know your next move 😂
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…