When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
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Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.