They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
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I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.