me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
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Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs