Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
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Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.