This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
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I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
Passed by a old school Math example today.
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.