I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
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This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*