guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
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🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.