ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
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Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
Pass gas, not judgment.
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.