Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
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Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
Bless you
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
This pepper has seen some shit
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.