if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
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I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
Life cycle of cat
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
*sewing*
A thread
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp